Apr/100
Bumbling Along The Spiritual Path
I went in for the final surgery and yes it was very scary but I have to be frank about this part. I believe everything works out for the absolute best not because I’m a lunatic but because when I was busy minoring in psychology I came across too much evidence which says that optimists live longer happier lives. It is sometimes very hard to do but I have been practicing for a long time. Another thing I consciously did was telling myself that the surgeons have all the power now and I can do nothing. I let go. Now I could relax and enjoy it.
As I was coming too in the post cutting stupor blurred by amazing drugging an air of confusion began to own me. Melinda was holding me and that was very comfortable but her face held another truth… “cadaver bone…” I could only grab a little bit at a time “…come back in a month…” so I guess the leg bone hadn’t fused properly. They were able to cut my face up very well and remove a bunch the excess leg material and metal bits however they will have to go in again adding bone from a corpse. Great. Fabulous. I’ll have to wait an additional 7-8 months for the surgery I was supposed to have yesterday or was it the day before? The drugs are wearing off and the pain is coming on and I’ve been in the bathtub close to four hours now.
A friend came to the house and is helping Melinda and I am fucking hurting ow. Shit this hurts but I am glad that it isn’t worse. My brother was shot in the head by a cop at close range he was a little younger than I am now. I can’t believe this is happening sometimes and sometimes I find out this is for the people around me as much as my experience. I turn on the jets in the tub and the noise takes the pain away only for a minute.
Thanks for watching the store you are incredibly amazing fabulous women and I dearly love you. The HELD store is for the critters and it is important that it holds certain ethical standards. My god this pain. I need the jets and bubbles. I wash my face every few minutes sorry. Please join the FB stuff and volunteer at the shop No FBI allowed.
Oct/090
Cancer in My Head etc.
An endless list of reasons not to write this is trying to stare me down. Need more sleep, too much pain, emotional imbalance, and it goes and goes but oh well. About an hour ago I realized that I lived through it. No really it hit me hard looking into my sweet heroic wife’s eyes crying happily that I could have died as easily as I lived.
Maybe a month ago my biopsy for my congested sinuses came back with all kinds of amazing results. Malignant. I only want to give an update here in case someone heard something like the rumors I’ve heard, I can’t write or talk or walk yet but I have to do some thing. It all happened so fast but in slow motion very much monochromatic with bursts of muted color. Red. So much red. Melinda is so strong and loving and we have each other and nothing else is that big. She carried me all the way up the hill and out of danger. I want to spy on her movement till time is no longer time, her face is the focal point of surrounding good things. Good finds a place to rest in her beautiful face. She saved me from the sea of red now only in my routine nightmares.
I have been home from hospital now two weeks. Two weeks in hospital. ICU HELL. The food they kept putting in my tube was vegan only in that it had no animal milks or parts but it was not vegan the way I’m vegan. Ingredient one: water. Oh well water is good for sure but in “food” i would prefer water to be “juices” that come from FOOD. Lets see… ingredient two: Corn Syrup, yeah that shit I avoid in my real life! At home I don’t need insulin cause I eat very well- vegans really have it good if they are doing it right which is most of us. Every six hours they poke holes in my fingers then come back with a shot of insulin and that pissed me off more than anything in the world. It could easily be avoided if they actually had FOOD the shit in the can they put in my tummy tube has a big Nestle logo. Enough of the rant here is what the operations entailed roughly.
I was out while for twelve hours lots of people I love and who love me waited while two teams worked on me. One team cutting down the length of my lower leg to remove my tibia save a couple inches on each end. Attached to the bone are a sizable muscle and 4×6 inch bit of skin. While this is happening the other team separated my facial skin from my cheeks and upper jaw so they could cut out and remove my cheekbones, upper jaw, and sinus area with the fist sized cancer. I really am not ready for this level of detail. for more or less info veganPDX on fb.
